the paradoxical 10k post.

the paradoxical 10k post.


Well I am… kind of.

When I reached 10k last Friday it was mid-afternoon, I was trapped in my office, wistfully peering out the window at  the flawless sunny sky, wishing I could just up and leave work, be careless, be crazy, be irresponsible. As I was feeling sorry for myself, I mindless picked up my phone and.. there it was! 10k!

I waited for the bust of excitement… even scrunched up my eyes, and tried to will my normally easy AF eyes to well up with happy tears. This was so great! Ten thousand people cared what I was up to! C’mon, Morgan, be happy!

But, the thing was, I already was happy. And you know what really sealed that deal? The last six months spent pushing passed the anxiety I felt worrying whether people would think I was “silly” or “stupid”, tossing aside my fears of judgement with abandonment and just going for it.

I’m talking about the inception of my little baby butter. LifestyleButter! The baby that I had been stewing inside my head for years. One day last December, I just decided to fucking do it. Screw anyone who didn’t like it, who thought it was mindless, thought I wasn’t pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough to have a blog. Don’t like it? Don’t come!

I had absolutely zero idea how to start a website. But, I read some books on it, asked some questions, got help when I needed it from the merciful web developers at the agency I work at, and put together a clumsy little WordPress website.

And with that, I started blogging!!… Just kidding. With that, I actually broke the website. More than once. In fact, the LifestyleButter that lives today is actually my fourth attempt, after killing my first three “babies”. Come to think about it, the sequence was not similar to my childhood experience with hamsters. *Pours four out.”

The next step? Conquering my fear of having my photo taken.

Seriously, you guys. 

Everyone always groans with exasperation when I say that but I SWEAR TO YOU, I hate it. Ask my mom! Ask my poor photographer, who literally has to position my eyebrows, and tilt my face, so she can get a good shot. I hate it! But, I desperately yearned for a blog, and a fashion blog at that. So, I obviously had to put on my big girl panties (IRONED, everything photographed apparently NEEDS to be ironed) and confront yet another complex.

So, I worked at it. My photographer and I had a million shoots, each one better than the next, each time the photos becoming more polished, as I understood what really looks good on my body, what photographs well and what I should maybe just… not wear, ever, haha.

And then there was the writing. Something that had always set my soul alight. I loved it, but was I really good at it? Would other people think I was good at it? Should I care if they didn’t?

When you wholeheartedly believe in yourself, it almost becomes even more difficult to splay it out for the world to see. You have so much more to lose, if it turns out you are wrong. I was plagued by one terrifying thought: If I were to show the world my hand, display my naked thoughts, at the mercy of strangers judgements and potential disdain, how would I handle being smacked in the face with reality, if reality turned out to be less-than-ideal?

But, I don’t really want to live my life in the shadow of fear. I want to do what I want to do, not what I think others want of me. And so, once again. I just did it. I put nails to keyboard, one random night during the holidays and since then, I haven’t stopped.

Is it all smooth sailing and ease? Absolutely not. Do you know how many times I’ve sent myself into a self-induced state of panic with the completely rational notion that I was going to RUN OUT OF IDEAS? That I was going to run out of interesting things to write, that my words would stop pouring out, that my river of thought was going to dry up, my musings becoming stale and boring?

And then, out of nowhere, another idea pops into my head. And the words come, faster and more furious than the last time. Each piece I write fills me with a simmering sense of pride, each time I post, my heart feeling slightly more fulfilled.

The notion of “just going for it”, and this entire blog post, applies not just to aspiring bloggers or social mediers (word innovation for real), but to anyone, anywhere, tossing around a dream and wondering how to approach it. There is no “right” way – it’s a trial and error process, mixed in with hard work, determination and a passionate spirit. I am not that cool, no cooler than you – but we are all unique and we all have something to offer, that I think is worth splashing out into the world.

Was reaching 10 thousand followers sweet? I suppose. But more sweet is the conversations I’ve gotten to have with other women considering dipping their timid toes in blogging, and the ability I have to say JUST DO IT. It will be great. Let your fears go, screw anyone (your self-doubt included) who says it’s silly and dive in, headfirst. I promise, when that first reader messages you to tell you they love your blog, it will all be worth it.

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  1. Neil Wrubleski
    May 29, 2017 / 3:04 pm

    YAAAAA !!!! How to go Morgan. We are sp proud of you !!! Good Luck Here forward.!!!! May the next goal be 100K posts!!!!!!

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