I am, admittedly, the kind of person who cares what people think. I’ve never been quite able to master the art of being completely, unabashedly myself, right out of the gate. I am a slow burn, certainly, my blistering fear of being misunderstood or taken the wrong way keeping my true essence buried, initially.
Last night, while spending time with someone very dear to me, I was expressing my thoughts on something I had in mind for the future. I was doing it shyly, quietly, because it was something I was unsure of. However, I was in a place I perceived as “safe” with a person I trusted, so my fear of the disdain I was so terrified of was minimal.
My friend seemed uninterested and unimpressed by what I was explaining, and in a half-joke, I exclaimed, “What, you don’t like my idea?!”
He put down his drink and looked over at me.
“Morgan, stop.” He said loftily. “You insecurity right now is painful.”
Those words ignited a fire in my belly which spread swiftly up my body and lit my cheeks, tears springing into my eyes.
And then, I clammed right up. No more bouncing ideas off of a person I loved and respected, and certainly no motivational push was in the cards for that night.
That night at home, my thoughts were swirling furiously in my head, each time I mulled over the words “insecurity” and “painful, the blood would come rushing back into my face.
But then, I began to think. I wasn’t insecure, I was just being vulnerable. For once, I was letting my cards lie open on the table, and not over-thinking what I was doing and saying. I was just being open, in the hopes of connecting with someone and getting some feedback from someone who’s opinion I valued implicitly.
It seems to me, that as a broad generalization, our generation (Millennials), and myself absolutely included, seems so stuck on convincing everyone that we are these stark, emotionless, beings, gliding through life untouched and unmoved. I have always been terrible at portraying the relaxed and chill “cool girl”, probably because at the core of my being, I care so much about SO MUCH, that it is, for lack of a better word, painful.
So this year, I am going to try to embrace that. I am going to continue to show my cards, be the passionate, intense, excessive woman that I am, as uncomfortable as that may be.
While it may be painful for some, I have faith it will be refreshing for others. Either way, I am what I am, and I am actually quite proud of that.
What are you going to do to push yourself out of your comfort zone in 2017?